Everywhere you turn signs bombard us with images of coupledom. Specifically, coupledom as the ideal. You can't turn on the television without seeing some equivalent of "The Wedding Story", open a magazine without being confronted with "How to Meet Mr. Right", and don't get me started on talk shows. But what if you wake up alone every day? Is it really such a bad thing? I say an emphatic "Hell, no!" Just the other day I heard that for the first time in our society, single, childless people are the now the majority. Who says one is the loneliest number?

Carmen,

It hurts so much to read this when no one wants me or cares to be intimate with me. How does one cope with being totally alone?

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Let me preface this article by acknowledging the pain of the above letter. No matter how confident you are, I understand that family pressure to settle down, societal bombardment, and the looming holidays can make singledom challenging. I know it can be heartbreaking to be the only one to show up sans partner at a party, but it doesn't have to sound like death sentence. ENJOY your singledom! Rejoice in your privacy! Appreciate yourself! I KNOW loneliness is one of the most heartbreaking emotions, but I would give the same advice to the above reader as I would someone in a relationship:

1. Invest in yourself - We must constantly evolve as individuals to remain interesting not only to ourselves, but to others as well. If you are interested in something, then YOU are probably interesting, too. I don't mean to sound cliche, but go out of your way to volunteer, join a book club, take a bellydancing class, learn how to garden, etc. Learn how to love being alone. Learn about yourself by engaging in challenging activities - step out of your comfort zone. But the most important aspect in this is that you need to seek evolvement FOR YOURSELF. Do it because YOU are interested, not with the specific goal to pick someone up or sound better to other people.

In the end, you have to be enough for yourself. Again, we have to constantly evolve as individuals and be whole on our own before we can be part of something bigger. If you don't think you're worth learning about, why would anyone else? Enjoy this time! Practice new hobbies or seek new activities to enjoy on your own or eventually to include others.

2. Enjoy your friends - Again, not to sound cliche, but remember your support group. Relationships often come and go, but it's your friends who will be there with you in the end. Cultivate your relationships and allow yourself to rely on their support, and vice versa. It's the exact moment when we are feeling loneliest that simply reaching out to someone with help. When in doubt, basic communication helps! And so can a pitcher of margaritas with chips and salsa, best served with a bunch of pals, of course :) Enjoy the freedom!

3. It's all in the attitude - I say this time and again - it's all in the attitude and presentation. We can't help but get down sometimes, but your attitude can be a crucial asset. Self-fulfilling prophecies are your enemy - if you believe you will end up alone, chances are, you probably will. I have a single friend who constantly nitpicks about everything on a first date. She claims to hate being without a boyfriend, but she somehow manages to find fault with all her dates. For instance, she got mad at a gentleman when he asked if she wanted an appetizer because she had mentioned on the phone that she was dieting. He was merely being polite, but her tunnel vision got in the way. No one wants to be around a sourpuss - attitude is key.

Again, I encourage everyone to heed this advice, not just if you are without a partner. After all, the grass ISN'T always greener, and people in relationships can get lonely, too. Love yourself and the rest will follow. Thank you to the reader who shared the above letter. Do you have any advice for this person or other singles? What helps get you through? What is your fave aspect of being single?

As always, I remain...

Devotedly yours,

Carmen Sutra

- From the Great Sexpectations Newsletter -
© Copyright 2005 by Pulse Direct, Inc. All rights reserved.
Reprinted by permission.

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