Certain discussions will inevitably arise any time you begin a relationship. Eventually you will discuss prior relationships, (hopefully) STDs and condom usage, what you are both looking for, etc. But there's a fine line between what information we owe our new paramours and what rightfully belongs in the past. For instance, do you HAVE to disclose how many sexual partners you have had? Do you HAVE to confess if you've cheated in a past union? Does your newfound love really need to know you used chocolate sauce in bed with your ex?

Certain issues MUST be discussed, but specifics should be determined by the couple. Before you delve into your sexual past, you and your partner should be aware of how much and what kind of information you can handle and what is actually necessary. While you must discuss sexually-transmitted diseases, it might not be crucial to put everything on the table. For instance, the numbers game. Do you really, really need to know how many sexual partners your beloved has been with? If so, ask yourself why. Once that information is out there, you can't take it back, and sometimes we truly don't know how it will affect us.

We might think we are modern and open-minded, but deep down, some might have a problem with the revelation that THEIR lover has been with 15, 45, or 100 other people. I'm not saying this is true for everyone, but even in this day and age, traditional stereotypes run deep. And they are often so subtle that you might not even be aware of their existence until POW! your girlfriend has been with 54 other men!

Likewise, it might be fun to discuss using props in the bedroom, role playing, etc., but inevitably the discussion will lead to "have you ever done this?" Pause for a moment and again ask yourself if you really want to know the answer to whatever question is on the tip of your tongue. Do you honestly want the imagery of your partner licking whipped cream off his ex's nipples? Um, probably not. And again, once the info is out there, there's no taking it back.

Do you owe your partner information about past mistakes? On one hand, if your partner has a pattern of cheating in his/her past, you would probably like that information upfront. Afterall, many believe that "once a cheater, always a cheater." But is this fair? Furthermore, is this productive? For instance, if your partner cheated on someone they weren't in love with and only ONE time, do you need that information? Think carefully about the purpose of disclosing this to each other. While we ARE creatures of habit, people DO learn from their mistakes. Perhaps your honey truly realized where he/she went wrong in the past relationship and would never cheat again, but now it's in the back of your mind. And it won't go away. Once the information is out there, you can't take it back.

Is it fair to use or hold someone's past against them? Even if your partner has cheated in the past, if he/she gives you no reason to doubt them, then the cheating information is only counterproductive. The bottom line is that each couple needs to determine levels of disclosure. Some choose not to discuss the number of sexual partners, while some want to know absolutely everything their partner has done. Proceed with caution, though, because you never know what piece of info will open Pandora's Box.

How did you and your honey handle your "past" discussions? Did you choose full disclosure or limit the information to a need-to-know basis? Have you disclosed too much in the past and regretted it? What are your experiences with this and what have you learned/wished you had done differently? We can all benefit from each other's relationships.

As always, I remain...

Devotedly yours,

Carmen Sutra

- From the Great Sexpectations Newsletter -
© Copyright 2005 by Pulse Direct, Inc. All rights reserved.
Reprinted by permission.

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