When a couple ends a relationship, it rarely is about one particular issue. It's usually a combination of factors that has existed for a period of time - less (or no) intimacy, cheating, loss of interest, etc. But there are more insidious factors that contribute to the demise of a coupling. If one person routinely puts the other down or treats him/her in a disrespectful manner, eventually the relationship will suffer. I'm not talking about name-calling or other obvious, hurtful acts; I'm referring to little jabs that along the way have a tremendous cumulative effect. Let's discuss.

Do any of these lines sound familiar: "Why do you have to play poker with the guys EVERY week?" "Why DON'T you want to make love? Is something wrong with you?" "Why do you just waste your time watching stupid TV?" "Why don't you actually do something with your time?" If your partner throws one of these insults your way just once, it might sting a little. But now imagine these "little jabs" are part of a constant litany of insults headed your way. Your partner might become defensive or upset about something else entirely, and before you know it, you are made part of the problem and insulted. Constant berating or little jabs can have a profound effect on people. We just don't realize how much our words affect others, especially those we love.

Let's examine the actual phrasing of the mud slinging. When you begin a question with "why" it immediately puts the other person on the defensive. And remember I often say it's about the presentation? Tone is everything. You can suggest your partner do something creative in a genuine, caring way, or you can use a destructive tone aimed at pissing off him/her. Admit it - we are fully aware of how we speak to one another, and sometimes we DO say things to piss off our loved ones. But before you do next time, ask yourself why.

Be aware of repeat offenders on a couple levels. If your partner feels the need to consistently put you down or make you feel bad, that could be a red flag. In the heat of the moment during a fight, we sometimes say things we later regret. But then we also tend to forgive one another and realize we didn't actually mean the hurtful words to begin with. Constant, little jabs present a different issue, though. If your partner taunts you or routinely mocks or insults you about an issue, call me crazy, but there just might be control issues.

Now consider the actual insults and fights. Some sources suggest keeping a fighting journal because certain argument topics will naturally keep recurring if left unresolved. I've often read that the top three hot buttons in a relationship are money, kids, and sex - not necessarily in that order. If you have unresolved feelings about these issues - unfulfilling sex or one person not recording ATM transactions, for instance (sound familiar?), then the argument will keep creeping up on a regular basis. Try to get to the source of the insult or fight.

Does your partner make little jabs at you watching "stupid TV" because he wants to sincerely grow with you by being more cultural or is he trying to control your free time? Does the wife nag about your sports or poker night because she just wants to be demanding or because she feels neglected and overloaded? These examples might sound silly to some people, but I know very well there are readers going through this exact situation right now. Getting to the root of issues is something ALL couples must work on in order to achieve a long-term, successful relationship. Remember the unfulfilled sex life example? Maybe the root of the issue is a fear of physical intimacy, but you'll never know that until you delve further.

When you are in love with someone, it's difficult to see through the love goggles and actually believe they have the potential to hurt you. That's one of the reasons why it's difficult to counteract little jabs - you might not realize the overall effect AS it's happening. And then, how do you know when to end a relationship? How do you deal with this non-communication style? How many of you have dealt with this and how did you resolve the issues?

As always, I remain...

Devotedly yours,

Carmen Sutra

- From the Great Sexpectations Newsletter -
© Copyright 2005 by Pulse Direct, Inc. All rights reserved.
Reprinted by permission.

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