Warning: amateur psychologist at play. I kept thinking about Monday's singleton column, specifically the grass is always greener phenomenon. I've known people who ruined happy unions because they couldn't stop fantasizing about who they could (supposedly) be with if not for said relationship...and then it went beyond fantasizing. I've known people who exit relationships early because what if someone better comes along? What if they won't be happy with this person in ten years? what if, what if, what if...let's examine this.

The grass is always greener...the grass is always greener. I know married couples who seemed completely happy before the marriage who now give pause to each other's faults, pining away for someone better. Someone new, someone, well, greener. Likewise, though, I have several single friends who routinely question if they will find "the one", all the while having a feast critiquing each date they have. We huff and puff waiting for a commitment, then when we have it, we still complain (please note these are generalizations, and I KNOW not everyone is like this). What is this complaining about? Deep down, are we that afraid of getting hurt that we push people away until we are left alone?

I see people in established relationships doing this time and again. It's as if they feel like they don't deserve unconditional love (I warned you - amateur psychologist at play) and nitpick and complain until they ruin what they have. Leaving them...alone, which is what they initially feared. On an even deeper level, are some of us afraid of loss and therefore push people away? I know several people who have experienced a loved one dying early in their life, and they never completely recovered. It's as if the sense of abandonment never truly goes away.

On a much simpler level, maybe we are just wired to never be content. Perhaps we are meant to constantly question. Maybe, in a larger sense, we are all just cavemen trying to plant our seed everywhere. Could this support the argument that monogamy is dead? I want to hear your opinions, people!

However, on the other hand, sometimes the grass IS greener. Sometimes we emotionally exit relationships in baby steps, and lamenting/complaining helps ease us into it. Little by little we come to terms with a slowly dying relationship, and by the time we are complained out, we're okay with the demise. I have a friend who won't let on that there's anything wrong with her relationships until practically the tail end, when she's ready. All of a sudden she will spill everything that was ever wrong with the coupling, but only because she's ready. Comments?

Just to clarify, I know it's normal to wonder what dating other people would be like...That being said, there's a fine line between a healthy wondering and an obsessive fixation on what ifs. And only you can decide that line for yourself. Do you know people who can't seem to settle down or relax in a relationship? Have you experienced the grass is greener phenom?

As always, I remain...

Devotedly yours,

Carmen Sutra

- From the Great Sexpectations Newsletter -
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Reprinted by permission.

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