- See Part 1 of this article here. -

Let's review: Faking orgasms - bad. Having orgasms - good. So why do so many people fake them? Who wouldn't rather actually experience one? As we learned last week, the reasons are vast, and truth be told, we've more than likely all been with someone who has faked an orgasm. Our readers proved last week that even men fake from time to time. I received letter after letter indicating some of you have faked it or are still faking orgasms and desperately want to know how to stop. Let's just say that everyone should read this today...

Simply stop. Right now. This very second. Okay, maybe that's not as easy as it sounds - if it were, you would have stopped long ago. Regardless, the first step is actually stopping. As we discussed last week, faking orgasms only reinforces techniques that obviously don't work for you. So, instead, only moan or show delight when it's truly warranted. Positive feedback can be crucial in sexual situations, but only do it when a certain move or technique does indeed get your juices flowing. That's the goal, anyway, right?

Your lover will obviously notice, probably immediately, when you stop faking orgasm. Be prepared because this will more than likely be met with such niceties as "what's wrong with you?", "why can't you come?", "you used to be able to come." Naturally, putting the blame on you. Breathe. Try not to get defensive. I read the following in an article - try saying you have been having difficulty lately achieving orgasm and would like to experiment more. Often when a partner expresses interest in experimenting, it's enough to help move the situation along, so to speak.

Consider explaining to your partner that you've been under stress lately (work, household, etc.) and your body might not be reacting the same. Furthermore, maybe that you are having difficulty relaxing. Be creative, but don't outrightlie. You might think these are lame excuses, but only because YOU know you've been faking. Your partner will WANT to believe the excuses - no one wants to think it's his/her fault. So, he/she might be willing to buy otherwise outrageous stories. With such ego and self-esteem on the line, some will go into denial and believe whatever you're saying. Hence, the "what's wrong with YOU?" approach. Um, that doesn't sound like positive communication.

Speaking of communication, just about every article I read about this subject stressed the couple must have good communication skills to overcome this. Communication, communication, communication. How are you supposed to have good communication skills together if you've essentially been lying this whole time? Here's a start: begin a dialogue with your partner by asking if there is anything he/she wishes you were doing better or something he/she wishes you would do. You don't need to divulge your secret, but this
will open a pathway to discuss your sex life in a non-threatening, supportive atmosphere.

Remember that NO ONE gives you an orgasm. You have to relax and put yourself in a state of mind to receive pleasure. This might sound mundane and simplistic, but subconsciously, some of us probably feel we don't deserve pleasure. Try to take the pressure off the situation. Your pleasure matters as much as your partner's. The more pressure you put on the situation, the more performance anxiety you will have. If you relax, you might achieve orgasm in a more timely manner. Speaking of the time factor, in an article I read, the author felt immensely relieved when she finally realized her boyfriend didn't mind how long it took her to have an orgasm. Exactly how did she discover this? Here's a novel approach - she ASKED him. The point it that talking about sex might not be as terrifying as it sounds.

Again, no one gives you an orgasm. You have to take control and first know how your body can achieve one. Do you masturbate? Do you know how your body responds to various touching? We all need to know what stimulates us so we can help our partners turn us on. Once you know your pleasure spots, you can help guide his/her hand in the right direction, or again, experiment together. Experimenting is half the fun! Like I said last week, take more time for foreplay and try, try, try to remove the pressure from the situation. Again, don't actually tell your partner you've been faking this whole time. Treat this as a new beginning.

Did this help you any? Share your feedback and stay tuned for Wednesday's sexy issue! As always, I remain...

Devotedly yours,

Carmen Sutra

- See Part 1 of this article here. -

- From the Great Sexpectations Newsletter -
© Copyright 2003 by Pulse Direct, Inc. All rights reserved.
Reprinted by permission.

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