Today's column might seem overly simplistic to some, and indeed, it probably is - on the surface. But I read your letters, gossip with friends, and hear co-workers' vents, so I know that this subject warrants revisiting. My fave quote from Maya Angelou sums it up: "When people show you who they are, believe them." People tell you things for a reason, so listen to what they are saying! Allow me to explain...

Today's subject borders on the "he's just not that into you" concept. If someone says they are not ready for commitment, doesn't think they will want kids, doesn't want a relationship, etc., listen to them! Many of us hear these lines and see them as a challenge, but nine times out of ten, you can't change people. IF people change, they do it on their own and for their own reasons. I realize there are exceptions to every rule and that people do change their minds, but do you really want to spend your childbearing years hoping someone will "come around?" I might sound like I'm rambling, but I read many of your letters that indicate you are waiting for your partner to change in some way so that your life together can suddenly be perfect.

Sadly, sometimes when someone says they don't want a relationship or a commitment, it means they don't want those things with YOU. One of my friends broke up with her boyfriend because he didn't want to get married (and she did), but then she found out he was engaged to his next girlfriend! Heartbreaking, I know, but sometimes we need to read between the lines.

Again, there are exceptions. You CAN truly, truly love someone with your entire being and not be ready for a commitment, and eventually you might be. So how do you tell the difference? First off, do his/her actions match their words? Are they consistent? If your partner shows they love you day in and day out (being respect, helpful and supportive, attends all important functions with you, etc.), then it could just be a waiting game. They might have issues with long-term commitment like marriage, but their actions show they are dedicated to you. Then it's up to you to decide what your priorities are and how you want to live your life.

When people give you a glimpse of themselves and their character, you need to listen. This goes both ways. Allow me to elaborate. One of my friends started dating this guy who told her on the second date that in every relationship he had ever had, HE had been dumped. He had never ended a relationship. She should have listened because as time went on (THREE YEARS), she realized there were plenty of reasons for this.

Behavioral patterns aren't always negative, though. Like I said, it goes both ways. If your partner calls when she/he says they will call, consistently keeps plans, shows responsibility and understanding, etc., then when in doubt, don't. The key word through all that was consistency. If you establish a pattern of goodwill and reliability, there's no reason to doubt someone.

Have you ever had a friend in a situation like this where you want to tell them the writing is on the wall? Have YOU experienced this and stayed in denial or how did you deal with it? I'm not saying we should all be on a constant lookout for red flags (that's defeating in itself), but be aware of
behavioral patterns, both good and bad.

As always, I remain...

Devotedly yours,

Carmen Sutra

- From the Great Sexpectations Newsletter -
© Copyright 2005 by Pulse Direct, Inc. All rights reserved.
Reprinted by permission.

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