One of the most fundamental keys to a long-lasting, healthy relationship is trust. Without trust a relationship can be stagnant, stuck to rot in its idleness. But if you gave your all to a relationship and a previous partner betrayed that trust, how can you be expected to just all of a sudden be comfortable with new paramours? Today's column was inspired by a reader comment last week - how can you get over a cheating partner and have a successful relationship with someone else?

Carmen,

I know you've been asking us lately what our biggest relationship concern is. Well, mine is that I will be cheated on. My first sexual partner cheated on me when I was 19 and ever since then I guess I kind of wonder if it will happen again. I really, really try not to be paranoid, but I admit I purposely watch how my boyfriend interacts with women when we are out together. He has given me no reason to doubt him, but I still get nervous. Does anyone else feel this way?

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First of all I want you (and anyone experiencing this) to know this is a very normal reaction to having been cheated on, especially when the scar happens so early on in sexual development. This is indeed a rational fear in that it was inspired by something that actually happened to you and caused significant heartache. However, in order to have future healthy and successful relationships, the fear cannot be allowed to be so overwhelming that it becomes debilitating for you in relationships, ie, in the form of paranoia.

I know it's hard to just "get over" the heartache and distrust from a partner cheating on you, but you can't punish current or future partners for someone else's behavior. The easiest way to end a relationship is to introduce jealousy and unsubstantiated insecurities. We all have our insecurities, but you can't let them get in the way of moving forward with a good person. I understand that when someone cheats on you, it can leave a clouded perception of trust, loyalty, and that gender in general. In the haze, though, try to focus on the following key points to determine if the fear about your new partner is founded:

* Has he/she given you reason to doubt them? The reader in this letter indicates that her partner hasn't done anything wrong. Go with that. Don't blame him/her for something they haven't done.

* Is he/she consistent? Do their actions and words match up? Consistency and reliability create the foundation for trust, which can only be cultivated over time. If he/she calls when they say they will, doesn't break plans at the last minute, you can rely on them, etc., then there's no logical reason to doubt them. Notice I said "logical" - in the midst of cheating paranoia, it's easy to forget about logic and common sense.

* Has he/she ever lied to you? This relates to the consistency factor. Lying is a quick way to end a relationship; if you can't trust your partner or feel the need to lie, then doomsday will quickly approach. But if he/she has never given you cause for concern, then DON'T BE CONCERNED.

I know this is all easier said than done, but you don't want your paranoia to lead to a self-fulfilled prophecy. And there's nothing wrong with abstaining from relationships for a while, either. If you find that your paranoia truly does get in the way of your relationships, maybe you should take a time out and regroup. I hope these reminders helped some readers today.

Devotedly yours,

Carmen Sutra

- From the Great Sexpectations Newsletter -
© Copyright 2005 by Pulse Direct, Inc. All rights reserved.
Reprinted by permission.

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