Let's just jump in to today's issue...At one time or another, women (and men) have chosen to fake having an orgasm. Why would one sacrifice this pleasure and merely act like they reached a heavenly peak? Well, as we'll see today, the reasons are vast. Unfortunately, there's really no way to determine if someone is faking. Remember the famous diner scene in "When Harry Met Sally?" Every article I researched mentioned Meg Ryan's elaborate faking demonstration to Billy Crystal, making every guy in the viewing audience squirm in wonder. If Ryan appeared so convincing, how are you supposed to know? Reports are now also indicating that men fake orgasms as well. Women traditionally "knew" their partner achieved orgasm because of the "wet spot" and various other reasons, but in this day and age, the truth could remain between the man and the condom...

Our society puts tremendous emphasis on having orgasms each time people engage in intercourse. So much, in fact, that many become anxious and feel the need to lie about it. I encourage you to truly reconsider doing this because lying about such an intimate subject creates a potential problem. The next time you are in the middle of a lovemaking session, consciously choose to remove the pressure from the situation. Though this is easier said than done, don't focus on an orgasm being the ultimate goal. Concentrate on the wonderful sensations and giving and receiving pleasure. If it's meant to happen that night, it will. Remember that the orgasm isn't the only measure of valid or good sex.

So why would people lie about reaching the height of ecstasy? Like I said, the reasons are vast. Some apply to both men and women, while other reasons are gender specific. Both report faking it if they are tired, and if they realize it just simply isn't going to happen. If it's a prolonged session, some admit to wanting it to end and they don't know how to tell their partner. In effect, they wanted their partner to stop trying, but didn't know how to properly communicate or express their feelings. Many report being satisfied without achieving orgasm, and they feel their partner won't believe them, so they fake it anyway. Perhaps due to prior negative experiences, some women truly believe their partner might not want to expend the energy required for her to have an orgasm. Yet, many women admit they feel like they are expected to reach this pinnacle. Additionally, some partners (women AND men) feel like they have to live up to the ghosts of lovers past. If a man casually talks about a super-orgasmic ex-girlfriend or a woman talks about a former stud who could go for five hours, then the new lover might feel the need to compete. Enter faking.

While many men share the same fears and inadequacies, they also have their own reasons. Some might not admit (or even realize) it, but many are caught off guard or are even threatened by today's assertive, sex-initiating women. This non-traditional switch is enough to stir a panic in some men, which leads to more pressure, etc. This all leads up to performance anxiety, and some subsequently fake it because they're simply afraid they will not be able to reach orgasm. [MEN: before you fire off a hostile email to Carmen denying such doubts, don't shoot the messenger. I am merely reporting what I've learned from my wonderful subscribers and independent research.] Just like for women, some men realize it just might not happen that night, and they want to "get it over with." Traditional roles still have a tight rein on many people, and according to an article I read, some men are "caught between their need for intimacy and approval and their fear of loss of control."

There is a striking similarity between the sexes, however. Both report having their partner's ego and security in mind. They don't want their partner to feel inadequate; thus, in order to reassure him/her that their sex life is "okay," they fake orgasm. Hmmm...According to the article "Whose Faking It and Why?" faking for this reason might not be about the partner's feelings: it just might be about the FAKER'S insecurity. Some psychologists insist that if one were truly confident and sexually assured, there would be no need to lie about this. Perhaps they lie because they don't think their partner would love or want them otherwise. The article summed up the possible insecurity perfectly: "Why else would so many men and women be prepared to settle for less than they really want from their partner in bed if it weren't for a fear of one kind or another?"

Before you say that faking is okay every once in a while, consider the possible repercussions. Lying and "getting away with it" just might encourage you to lie more and more, about this particular area or others. Here's a horrendous possibility to consider: imagine you are in the middle of a take-no-prisoners, drag-down fight, and before you realize it, you yell this slammer at your beloved: "Yeah, well, why should I bother trying harder if you never even make me come!" Ouch. Ladies and gentlemen, this happens. And it has ruined the trust in many a relationship. How can a relationship be expected to recover after such an admittance? Faking orgasms is essentially lying to your partner. How would you feel if you found out your partner never had an orgasm with you? Probably not very good. Even if you never let the truth slip, faking reinforces lovemaking practices that obviously don't work for you. How is your partner supposed to please you if you keep telling him/her that what they're doing really turns you on? Not to mention the resentment that is bound to accumulate. If you repeatedly fake orgasms, you are basically saying your pleasure and sexual needs don't matter. And then you will project those feelings on your partner. Enter resentment.

Let's quickly recap: we're hearing phrases like "thought he expected," "I didn't know how to express," and "get it over with." This doesn't sound like effective and positive communication, does it? So, what do you do if you've been faking orgasms and you want to get your relationship back on track? Many psychologists would discourage you from admitting you have been faking all this time. Instead, take more time with foreplay, show your partner what you like, or TAKE THE TIME to experiment. Consider saying you've only had difficulty as of late and explore to find out what actually works for you, since recent practices aren't doing the job. Again, stop putting so much pressure on yourself and enjoy the experience. Let it happen. Give yourself permission to truly enjoy your partner's touch and think about yourself for once! Your sexual needs matter, too!

Let me leave you with thought: repeat offenders are likely covering up larger problems in the relationship and perhaps even a sexual dysfunction.

Okay, be honest - have you ever faked an orgasm? Now consider why you did (or have not). Share your experiences! You KNOW your fellow readers will benefit from your knowledge! As always, I remain...

Devotedly yours,

Carmen Sutra

- From the Great Sexpectations Newsletter -
© Copyright 2003 by Pulse Direct, Inc. All rights reserved.
Reprinted by permission.

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